Crazy idealist/hippie/schizotypal philosopher, this time taking a dump @ codecall.net

Hisup.

First some general info about me:
There's really no description brief enough about me, in my opinion.
I'm, as most people, a mix of weaknesses and strengths; of wackiness and of brilliance, and of that in between. Mostly the former and the latter -- the middle ground is just a comforter-skill/tool for my anxious friends and strangers.
I'm really getting somewhere, aren't I...
Well...

The chosen title is a start.
I've got my magical ideas imprinted since childhood, not from others (i.e. religion or religous people) but from myself of course (shamanic'ish), and I let them, along with analysis, guide me through life, with a slightly self-destructive moral backbone that doesn't let me end up i.e. trading my soul for $$$ (I've traded some of my idealism for a ground to stand on, though).
Does anyone smell Schizophrenia yet?
Seeing I'm not getting anywhere with this (presumably), I'ma try be slightly more sane and also try make it brief:

Hi. Again. (:D:lol:)
I'm a 20 years old idealist'ish hippie & analytic-philosopher-type-guy with no formal education.
I've got a decent, but not very high IQ; i.e. I learned to read by myself before attending school, and was playing with large numbers in kindergarden. Further, school obviously bored me (and pissed me off to no end; I still have recurring dreams about it.. several times a week..). I had no access to a computer, or so I thought anyway, until the age of 13 or so, when I got my own computer wo/ internet. Needless to say I played a bit with it (software wise), and although not beginning to program already, I started finding open source versions of the game I was playing, and the program "Game Maker", and downloaded both onto my 128MB mp3 player (:D) and took it home and had some fun. I learnt some basics there.*
Later I starting reading up on new age/mysticism at the age of 14 online whilest playing games (breaking into school to play at the school-computers, and then the library-computers (legally) the year after) to learn English, decided I gotta get just slightly more sane than "buying" too much of this New Age-crap about the age of 15-16, discovered Conspiracy Theories the same year, became just slightly more insane (but saner at the same time!), and cooled down at the age of 17-18 from Conspiracy Theories, and gotten ever cooler since then til the present time.
"Cooler" not in the sense of "finally dismissing these nutty CT's as bs", but in realizing that a) shouting "THE END IS NEAR!" isn't doing as much good as I wish to accomplish (+ all the negative feedback and labeling in return), and b) I must climb up these levels of skepticism further, seeing if I can make sense of it this way.
Now, to quote Robert Anton Wilson, "I started rebelling in my teens, and I'm rebelling more every year" - but me and RAW both, at least apparently so, [try] take it intellectually instead of physically; although I'm inclined often to indeed take it to that level, and I'm still looking for them opportunities.

Now, what am I doing here?
Well, being so dull and stupid much, I can't figure out a better middle-ground than doing some coding. I just can't find the right people to "activate" with just yet, and in fact I've been searching for plenty of years (sending e-mails to God knows how many people...), and as the cyber-culture is very much growing, although the mainstream almost equally much as the counter-cultural, and my activism is most likely going to be mostly on the internet -- and I DO wanna contribute, I might benefit much, or at least some, from learning coding. Unfortunately I'm uninspired. I live, as parodied by every western culture, with my mom; wanting to move (since I was... 13... and serious about it.. but not allowed - and now it's too late; lost my motivation and eager), and not earning them $$$ to live sustainably by myself.
I refuse to do "dirty works" 9 hours a day for half a year or more for a minimum of these two reasons:
1) The corporations are usually -- and it's hard to figure out when this is the case or not -- gready/doesn't care about the people, etc, so I'm basically boicotting them. ALL of them. eaheuehaeuae
2) It drives me instantly depressed. Just because I've imprinted, with effort and great intent of course, idealism and enthusiasm etc - knowing this stuff is bad/evil/unambigous etc (cus we've got the technology etc. to live in a much more civilized world etc - so to accept it (the problem) is to fuel it, and contribute to it), and so I react with depression, disappointment, annoyance etc, working with something evil and unambigous. I'd definitively work longer on a farm than i.e. on an assembly, so it really is mostly that I refute the *evil* part.
What a short description.

ANYWAY, over to what I want out of this, first in descending order of what I want*likelyhood (what I want multiplied by likelyhood):
1. A programming partner -- we don't really even need to know the same language I guess; I just wanna play with sockets and whatever, and we can compete by i.e. making bots to collect information from the net the fastest, or whatever ;D
2. Have a forum to visit for help/questions/inspiration as a substitution for #1
3. Being lead to a forum of people like myself or w.e/getting activated/helping me out with my life or whatever, etc.
4. General friends/network.

In descending order of what I want the most, ignoring likelyhood, and assigning the four former points (above) the letters A, B, C and D respectively:
1. C
2. A
3. D
4. B

I want all of these four things, so it's not that I don't want the point lowest on the list, it's just not what I want the most.
Okz. Thanks for being a crazy dumbass, reading my crazy dumbass essay.

*If you're wondering what happened further on: nothing much. I wrote a hello world program in C++, then quit that. Now I can write a sub of hello world's in Perl... Nah, I have about 30 commands from Perl memorized, and can just do things like getting simple information from the net, or simple posts, etc.. (LWP...) and I make some calculators for the game that I still play =)

Thanks, guys. Yeah - maybe they don't with good reason, and maybe I'll regret the **** out of it later. The idea is that MY future won't condemn, or research & condemn this present and my past. "My future" as in what and whom I care about in my future. Maybe they'll have a laugh, poke fun at me, but if any is blowing it up in the newspaper, that "obviously I must be a latent Schizophrenic", THEY were my mistake to take into my future, not these posts.
But that's 'cus I'm crazy :D <-I like this smiley... I've been doing this facial expression since 11 or 12.

Finally;
I know I should make the post more readable, organizing it into chapters or whatever. -Actually, that's a good idea - I can use it as a template in the future, if all my problems isn't solved here, and just cp all over the place!

Edited by Mentalbox, 29 June 2011 - 06:07 PM.