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Story I wrote for schoool

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#1
Brandon W

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This is a story I wrote for my English class. This is only the first draft, so please tell me what you think. Only 750 odd so words. It had to have some isolation in it.

Quote

The Green Light
“An eye-popping, wavy green light floated in the sky all night. At the end of the green light were penguins that looked like him, acted like him and sounded like him. He was happy here.”

The glistening sun started to rise for another day, Polo was awaken by the shining light. The penguins he saw were he’s dream family.

He shook of the thick, white snow from his long fury body. “Déjà vu,” moaned Polo. As he slowly started to rise from lying on his fury back, he looked over the edge of the icy cold glacier. Everywhere, he could see his dream. Baby penguins running around with other baby penguins, father penguins telling stories to other penguins about their life-long adventures. He had nothing. Polo would sit on top of the glacier all day, watching over everyone else having a joyful time.

As the sun settled, he would sleep, and dream again. But this night was surprisingly different to any other night. As he lied down to sleep, Polo saw something in the sky. He said to himself “It was déjà vu,” in an excited way! It was the green light! No matter how many times he rubbed his eyes, it would still be in the same place when he re-opened them.

After all these years of seeing his dream family, it could be a reality. He knew this might be one of the only chances he might be able to find his true family, fill his life up with happiness and laughter, no more emptiness.

It was as dark as the midnight light, all the penguins were sleeping. This was Polo’s chance to follow the green light without anyone knowing. It would not matter to the other penguins since none of them knew he existed, but he would rather leave when the sky was as dark as the midnight light, while the penguins would sleep.

Before taking the first step of a long adventure, he turned around, and said “Good night” to the family he thought was once his. Took one step backwards, and then turned around. “By morning, I will have found my true family!” yelled Polo.

After hours of walking, Polo started to lose faith in his dream. He ended up standing on top of a tall, white hill. The freezing cold, nightly breeze throwing his fur to the back of his body, the fur around his face blowing into his eyes. He could see the sun starting to rise in the horizon. The sun rays were glistening onto a black dot. Polo did not know what it was. So he ran towards the mysterious, blurry, black dot in the distance. As he came closer, he started to see a face. A long black beak and two big dark eyes. He started to think, “Is this my Mum or Dad? Maybe even one of my brothers or sisters?” Polo finally got to see who it was, it was another penguin, but who he questioned himself. They stood face to face, starring into each other’s eyes anxiously wondering who they are.

“My name is Polo.” stated Polo. “What is your name?”
“My name is Susan.” said the new Penguin.
“I do not recognise you from my dreams,” told Polo.
“What dreams? I have been here for a long time waiting for someone to come and now you are here!” exclaimed Susan.

Both Susan and Polo sat down and exchanged their stories. Polo spoke about his dreams and how he would sit on top of the glacier all day looking over the other penguins. Susan spoke about how long she has been here, waiting for someone to come and lighten up her life. She also knew that the green light she this very night would mean that something great would happen today. Susan also mentioned how excited she was when Polo was standing on top of the hill, looking down towards her.

They spoke all day, till the midnight light came again. Tonight was a different night to both of them; they starred up into the shining starts hanging in the moon light. This was usual to them, but knowing that they have made a friend today was the happiest feeling they ever felt!

“Now children, you have heard the story, you can run off and play with your little friends” said Polo with a giant smile on his face. Susan ran towards Polo and gave him a big hug!
“We might not have had the best of childhoods, but our lives certainly did turn out great. Am I right Polo?” whispered Susan.
“Yes, yes, you are right Susan.” admitted Polo.



By Brandon Warwick

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#2
Termana

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The short story is great, however it has several spelling and grammar mistakes, so I hope you didn't submit it to your teacher like that, I'm not sure about there in WA (your in Western Australia, right? Or whatever state your in anyway) but here in SA, the English teachers are hard arses when it comes to spelling and grammar (which is probably true everywhere, and I guess thats partially what english is about).

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#3
Guest_Jordan_*

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Story is good - do you want corrective criticism?

#4
Xav

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I agree with Jordan - the idea for the story is a good one, but it could be presented in a more colourful way - use of similes, personification and other metaphors, complex/compound sentences etc. A lot of the story is written in a very similar style - try to vary the way you get the point across.
Jordan said:

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#5
Brandon W

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@Termana
Nah I am in Queensland :) But they are harsh here too, the good thing is my teacher is really nice. So he will really help me on it, he won't let me fail hehe.

@Jordan
Yes please! I am NO good at English at all. I got an A for effort but C for Achievement. So I tried my best and only got a C LOL. I really need help with English!

@Xav
Thanks mate, any ideas on how I can do that. As I said, I have NEVER been good at English.
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